Enough For Me

I am one to scan a room upon entering it.  I also scan the area before and when getting out of a vehicle or going outside of someones home.  I have even walked into my own home and knew if someone else has been there or if something has been moved.  Others are not so well versed in putting objects back where I had them.  I used to walk into my dads house, telling him that someone had been there.  He would ask me how I knew and I would tell him that his “this or that” was not placed as he had placed it.  He used to laugh at that but once he found out that someone had actually shown up, he would stop, take his hand and brush the top of his forehead, up over his hair.   

While my husband and I were engrossed in our individual wants, he would ask what the noise was that he heard.  I think he expected me to look to tell him.  I did not need to look, I could tell him without moving.  He thought I was nuts.  He used to say to me, “That’s not what it is,” while he got up to look at what had made the noise.  I told him I could see better with my ears, which he could never understand.  In my 30’s, I had alder bushes stuck in my eyes by someone who was high from smoking pot and drinking.  I had to have my eyes patched for what seemed the longest time.  Daily trips to a hospital an hour away to have specialist poke and prod my eyes along with using slit lamps.  For some reason they were not healing.  So it was well over a month of eye drops, eye salve, and patches.  That is how I learned to see with my ears.  It is true that when one loses one sense, the others pick up where the lost sense left off.  Once the husband knew what I had told him was true, he never questioned me again.  And I still have that sense of seeing with my ears.    

I can walk into a room and feel everything.  I can tell who wished they were anywhere but there, who is feeling insecure being in a crowd and who is going to try to hit on others.  I am pretty good at reading people.  Much can be learned by people watching.  As I look around, some do not or cannot make eye contact.  Shame or no self-confidence?  I can see the softness in a person who wants to smile, yet up until they do, I see it.  Some keep looking at their watch or at a clock, waiting to leave without being rude.  One trait is a persons eyes.  When a person smiles and is genuine, their eyes also smile.  The way a person holds themselves.  The hands.  The way they tilt their heads.  There are many ways a person gives off their vibes.

I had always been like this since being very young.  I was the one who preferred to stay in the background watching.  Peoples tone in their voices, the body stiffening, the side glances, a nervous laugh, and the ones always silent.  Peoples emotions do not always come out of their mouths.  Body language says a lot more.  The way a person walks. Holds themselves and interacts with others.  Is it easy or hard for them to have a conversation?  I could tell who I would want to speak to and who to stay well away from, and that was just because of being able to pick up the different idiosyncrasies in people.

I also feel this may be why some people feel uncomfortable in my presence.  I can look at them while listening to what they are telling me but I noticed the facial tics, how their sweat starts to form and how they keep shifting their hands or body.  It is as if I can see deep withing their soul. I cannot say whether they think that I am drowning out everything they are saying, that I make them feel uncomfortable with my ability to look at them while they speak or is it because they think I am thinking to myself, “what the hell“.

Another thing that can turn a person off from stopping to speak to me is that I feel deeply and many times, too deeply.  Being an empath is something that if one is not careful, they can lose their sense of self.  I have been invited to get togethers just to want to leave as soon as I have scanned the room.  Some people can suck the energy out of you.  And there are times when I have been somewhere and have felt others pain.  It’s like all the emotions smack me in the face.  I have carried some of those emotions for many years.  I often wondered if it was because I did not want to deal with them or just wanted them to go away, which they never did.  It is only when dealing with them that one can look at them in a different light.   Some of those emotions which did not belong to me, haunted me.  That was when I would need to have time and space by myself.  I have a need to recharge if you will when things get overwhelming.  It seems like in this world, so many people talk without saying a word.  They talk, constantly, about nothing.  My alone time is most important to me whether I meditate, take the early mornings just for me and nature, or to only sit with a cup of tea while watching any sign of animals in my backyard.   My soul needs time to recoup and to just breathe. 

I am not one for small talk.  It seems a waste of breath.  I much prefer to talk about real things.  Things that people feel deep in their souls.  What they believe in, what makes them happy.  What they don’t dare to say for fear of looking silly.  I also prefer to have a smaller gathering of people.  I find where there is more than one, it is again the concept of talking without saying anything.  I will take being real, having depth any day.

I have always wondered if that is why I feel most relaxed around animals.  They live in the moment.  They live with honesty.  They ask nothing but to be themselves and want the same from you.  One gets unconditional love and loyalty from animals.  They are always happy to see you come home.  And all they show you is love. 

I have always been the odd ball, black sheep of the family and every other disconcerting form of words one could come up with.  I have lived with great pain.  I have loved with everything I have.  I have had to remain quiet when full of fear.  And I have felt great loss while keeping it inside of myself not letting anyone know that I was hurting.  Always with a smile for others with them never seeing beneath that smile.  So many years of me putting what I felt on the back burner because of having so many things to deal with.

I think as we all age, we take those things we have gone through to categorize in ways that seem to be less harsh.  We get stronger, wiser and hopefully softer.  We learn what does and does not matter.  I think we also see the times we have wasted ourselves on trivial matters that we no longer bother with.  I, myself, don’t go anyplace where I know I will not be able to be myself because of someone wanting me to fit in.  I refuse any type of drama.  I have found I have no time for the unimportant things that so many people let take over their waking thoughts.  I want the calmness, the peacefulness that comes from the depths of my soul.

I have found that I trust my intuition.  I have always been a patient person and I am still that way, maybe even more now as I age.  When others are vocalizing their anxieties or anger, I still remain quiet while wishing them well internally as I walk off.  Just as I walk away from ones that only loved me if I had something they wanted.  I want real connection.  I want to be able to be as I am without having to be careful of what I say, where I can be who I am without having to be as another would want. 

I cannot say what lies ahead of me.   For now, it is quiet nights in where I can watch tv or be on the pc, doing some form of art, writing, listening to music or even doing bits of housework.  My happiness is whatever I choose.  I like being softer when it is affordable, without having to defend or explain myself to anyone who may be having their insecurities.  I much prefer safe silence and being present.  I do not apologize for who I am or how I feel anymore.  I only want open, honest connections without having to worry if what I say will upset another person.  I have yet to meet people who are as I am.  My happiness looks different, if not odd to them.

By choosing no drama, and dropping friends who run like hell when things get real, less noise and more peace and deeper connections, that is more than enough for me.