Structure

I have always been an organized and structured person yet since being retired I have lost all of that.  I am still somewhat organized but the structure has gone out the window.  I remember before life seemed so much easier.  Up at 2:15 a.m., be to work for 3 a.m.  Work until 11 a.m.  Leave for my other jobs.  Pick up what needed to be picked up at the grocery store.  Go home, do my housework, prepare the evening meal, laundry, etc… 

  I was always a morning person.  I loved getting up while others were still asleep.  Perhaps an occasional car would be out but nature was at it’s best.  Nothing like having it be very quiet and all the different birds singing and squirrels out rustling on the grounds looking for their food.  No one talking loudly or arguing.  No kids squealing as they were on their way to school or playing on the playgrounds.  I always found my cardinals awaiting my arrival at work.  They would get in the tree that was above where I parked my truck.  They would greet me and I would whistle their song back to them while leaving seed for them to eat.  I miss those days.

  I try as I might to figure out when I lost all I loved so much.  And why I lost it to begin with.  Had I gotten lazy?  Many thoughts ran through my mind.  I often wondered if it was a new kind of loneliness.  Before retirement, I was alone but at work I had interactions with many then once I was home I was back to being alone.  Seeing the people at work was my socialization.  I was not one to require people around me all the time.  I prefered my alone time.  I craved it.  I found a lot of times when people did drop in to visit that they did not know when to shut up or go home.  I chuckled at that one but it was true.  I had one neighbor who would be at my front door while I was coming in the back door.  She would talk relentlessly about people I did not even know for hours.  I would sit there in my chair and sometimes I would fall asleep.  In the end I really got tired of this and met her at my front door one day and had to tell her that she did not know when to shut the fuck up or to go  home.  She could not understand until I had to point out that my day was not over and I really was not the type to sit and gossip.  She never spoke to me again which was quite alright.  

  I still sit and think about how my life used to be.  Another chapter.  I admit I am having a hell of a time figuring out how to start my new chapter.  I miss getting out and walking.  It would be nice to have a walking buddy.  I used to get out walking then come home to do my weights.  Then start in with my daily chores.  I know what I am missing but I cannot have it now.  I miss having my veggie garden.  I miss having my flower beds.  I miss the different trees I had put in.  I miss knowing my things were where I had put them.  I live with a person who likes to mow down my flowers.  He says they are in his way.  He has pulled up my trees.  Same excuse.  The veggie garden has been gone a long time.  Too much work he says.  I did not even put my bird bath out this summer.  It would have been in his way.  Not having these things that I love the most leaves me with just the house.  I clean, I organize but it never stays that way.  And so it goes.

  I am hopeful I will have the simple things that fill my soul again.  Who knows, by that time I may not be able to physically enjoy them.  So now I have thought about going back to something else I enjoyed years ago, my charcoal drawing.  Where would I keep my items?  My home is very small.  I still have my easel but it is tucked up on the cellar rafters.  

  So many thoughts, so many questions.  Now to find solutions.  I really need some structure in my life again.  I have a real need to feel all those feelings I have tucked so deep down inside of me.  The biggest is what I dare not speak about openly. It is my “home”. It will never happen.