My Aha Moment

I had always been one that knew what I didn’t want in life but did not know how to get away from it. I knew from a young age that I was one that felt things differently than others or thought I did. I was about to realize that one AHA moment would mix in with another but along the same lines. I wonder if it was just a continuation.

I was perhaps 11 and my girlfriends were starting their periods and here I was the late bloomer. I think I was 14 when I woke up one morning and said, “What the hell are these?” All of a sudden I had developed boobs. And yes, late. My dad was the one that took me to Woolworths and had Crystal LaRue fit me to a bra. When I got home and started wearing it, my mother called me a whore. Living a sheltered life, I did not know what that was. I did not know whether to smile or cry so I did nothing. Then when I got my period, she called me a slut. Again with not knowing what that was. I had to ask my girlfriend. She didn’t laugh at me because she knew how my mother was. Then I was left with the realization that is what my mother thought of me.

In my teens I had boys that wanted to go out with me but I shied away. The words whore and slut stuck in my mind and I was so shy it was not funny. I overheard my mother telling my sister that sex was only what men wanted and once they got it, you were thrown to the side of the road. I had not a clue about sex but listening to her, I wanted nothing to do with it. My girlfriends were having sex with many boys and ended up pregnant. I knew I did not want that.

I had never been with any man but my husband. That is how I felt personally. I knew of women who were married and were sleeping with other men. I had always drawn men who loved how independent I was. How confident I was. I was also called a looker and you can laugh but I did not know what that meant either. I had to ask my dad and he laughed as he told me and I admit, I laughed along with him. I told him I did not do anything to draw attention or men to me. He told me it was how I was. Talk about confusion. And yes I had led a real sheltered life.

I have never been one that has minded living alone. I rented an apartment from one of the teachers from the high school where I used to work at. I love music. Especially motown. I love listening to music and moving to it as I did my chores. Nothing like getting home from work, having a shower then to just wear a long t shirt, my undies and socks. The sense of freedom that I had was awesome. I had met some men but all they wanted to do was to take me out to show me a good time. Their definition of a good time was certainly not mine so home I stayed. In between times I had remarried. The same old strong, independent, confident drawing them in. Just to be cheated on when they thought they were bored then would change their minds. My idea of a good time was to make sure everything around the house was taken care of, inside and out. Then I would get a movie in or go out to eat or to a dance but I was not one to sit in bars and drink myself silly. Perhaps they wanted someone who was wanted by everyone else and liked going to bars. I never wasted my time to figure that out. I moved on.

I was not looking for anyone is when Mel found me. He had to ask me what my signature of “This is not a dress rehearsal” meant. We talked for a couple of years. I did go over to meet him and to work on family history since my roots came from over there. I came back home and in time, I went back. After all the emails, telephone calls, talking and being with him in person, I never saw what would end up being my life with him. He was always the gentleman. I did have a laugh when he asked me if I wanted an ice cream one time and I asked him if they had chocolate. He said we would have to see. We got to the counter and I asked the man if he had chocolate ice cream. He said he did and gave me one. When he passed Mel his vanilla he told Mel he was a nice man for taking his granddaughter out for ice cream. The look on Mel’s face was priceless.

We got married at the registrar’s office. I had been married before so we could not be married in the church. He just stood there. I could see tears in his eyes. I asked him if he had changed his mind. He told me afterwards that every emotion he had felt all along our journey had run through his mind. He was the emotional one where I was not. That should have been the first sign that I was heading for trouble. I am an emotional person but I was not then. He wanted me to give England a go so I said I would. It was like going back into the 50’s. I could not work for 6 months so I started walking around the town to get the feel of things while I was looking for a job to get an idea of what I could do. I hated being followed. It was as if I was a celebrity there. Where Mel worked at JCB, they wanted to do an interview on the tv of us. Even the radio stations did. I just wanted to be left alone. We were happy and in love, but the attention I did not want. We would work and on Saturday do our grocery shopping then Sunday maybe go for a ride or to one of the major malls. Otherwise, we stayed home and watched tv.

Our marriage ended up being platonic. He was unable to perform sexually. He tried the blue pill. Nothing. I surmised his issues were in his head on his shoulders so into therapy we both went. He was diagnosed as a covert narcissist. He sat there nodding yes and on the way home he asked me what it was and I told him. His exact words were, “I fucking arna going back there.” I knew then that I was in trouble. I had a feeling there was more to him than I knew.

I had always wondered why when he would walk around without any skivvies on, and hold his hands in front of himself down there. I never had the hangups he did. I could walk around bare assed. I did not wave my sexuality like a flag to the world. I knew I was a very sensual person. I responded to touch. I did not know if it was because I was 50% Italian or not. I also did not like to wear a lot of clothes. Never had. And with my mothers words always trying to make me think I was what I was not, went out the door a long time ago. I only knew that if the person I loved, loved me, I had no issues. I can only say that when I love the person who I love, they knew they were loved in every sense of the word.

My aha moment came in my late 30’s. I admit I had a lot of sexual frustration but what had always worked for me was to do manual labor. By the time I was done, I was too exhausted for any hanky panky. I also ran and worked out so that took a lot out of me. Still, I craved the touch of a man but it was not to be. I was not one to cheat no matter what.

I noticed when I would go into town early before work, I had 2 men that would follow me. I did not feel threatened by them but I did not know why they were following me. It was one day when I was in the art store that one approached me. He introduced himself and asked if I had time to talk with him. I told him out in the open I would but not privately. It was then that I was asked if I would let 2 artists paint me. I had to really think about that one. I was teaching and had to be professional whether I was working or not so the thought of being found out was a bit scary. In the end I agreed. I did not think much about the paintings. It was a little unnerving at first but the artist made me feel at ease. I was not happy when the girls that worked with us, put henna in my hair. I will always remember their words of “Don’t worry duck, it will wash right out”. Yeah , right. It did not. I ended up having most of my hair cut off before returning home to the states with that and the hair being done while modeling.

I had met a young woman, Julienne, while living in the UK. She was a photographer for the place where I bought my clothes in France. She had been following me if she would see me out in the markets or streets. She said I had a way of just being in the moment. She asked me if she could shoot me for the catalogue. I agreed but had stipulations. We started hanging out on my days off. We would take off real early to go to towns I cannot even say their names. Between posing and hitting the beaches with Julienne, those were my aha moments. By letting everything go, to just be me, to be in the moment. I had to always be in control of everything in my life. Even though I was in a loveless marriage, I felt free to be myself. I will always be thankful to Julienne, Doug and Gordon for ridding me of the feeling I was made to feel, that I was the cause of the problems of the man I had married. He hated how uninhibited I was. I knew it was his way to try to make me think less of myself because of his inadequacies.

I tried many times to get him to open up to what his issues may be. He would start then stop, never wanting to talk about things that had to do with him personally. When with some members of his family that he got along with, I would always be alert to anything I could pick up and learn from. He had had a real sad life but most of his feelings of back then had been brought on by his own way of seeing things. I tried asking him about the things he said he hated that happened to him to see if perhaps he could see them in a different light. No matter what was said, he had to be right and everyone else was wrong. Nobody can say I did not try in this marriage. Afterall, that is what one does when they love a person. I was not trying to be nosy. I was only trying to help. It became obvious to me that he did not want any help. He wanted to hang onto the hatred and the anger.

In any case, I started to take care of myself, do what brought me happiness while working. I still worked out. I still ran. And I walked everywhere. I learned that I loved the Turkish baths. Julienne and I would go to different beaches on my days off. She would take pics to see if I was going to be comfortable in doing so. I told her if Mel ever saw them, he would have a fit. For her catalog that she worked for, there was never any head shots. It was for security reasons. I have to admit I liked some of the clothes I modeled for her. When I looked at them, I could not believe what I looked like. I never paid no mind to how I looked. I had always been a wash and go girl and still was actually. But the rest of my years there, I was her top model along with me working. I did not see where I got the energy that I had. But even with finding out who I was, it was not fullfilling to me any longer. I wanted to go back to what I knew. Plus I was getting sicker the longer I stayed there. With all the rain, the mold and spores were attacking my immune system. Antibiotics became the norm for me.

Between being painted by 2 artists and modeling, it was a no turning back of finally finding out just who I was. There were many good times but it was during my last year living in the UK that after all of my soul searching, I knew I wanted to be back in the states to hopefully live back in the country. I also knew it would be a hard time relocating. I still had not found my “home” and pretty much gave up on ever finding it. I think I gave up on everything…..but work. Work was always there for me. It never let me down. But deep within my soul, I finally knew who I was and what I honestly wanted. It is what it is.