LexiMe - My journey of faith

Have you ever had days when one thing after another goes wrong and you complain about every little thing throughout your day? Have you ever known anyone who will complain no matter what happens to them? I have.

It is known as hyperbole. People’s exaggeration about their issues. Some people complain as a way to cope with or manage their emotions, hoping to alleviate distress by venting their feelings. People with a negative outlook tend to naturally focus on negative experiences, leading to an overemphasis on what’s wrong. Exaggerating problems can be a way to get attention and sympathy from others. Complaining can become a habitual response, especially if the person grew up in an environment where complaining was common. And some people are just plain miserable wanting to blame everyone else for their shortcomings.

What people really need to understand is that it is not all of the things one is complaining about. It is only one thing. The one thing that has caused this domino effect. Some cannot figure out what their one thing is. It takes stepping back, even walking away for a while.

I’ve known people who don’t make time to have a good breakfast and it sets the tone for their day. Or someone who has not gotten the sleep they needed. But it is always, always, always that one thing.

I can use myself as a good example. When I sit up watching a tv show until 2 a.m. and I have an appointment at 8 in the morning, I try to stay in bed until the last minute. Then I have my pets to feed, my own breakfast to throw together. I throw my breakfast down my throat, get dressed, wash up and hope I have what I need to go to my appointment. Everything is in a rush and I do have times when I can be cranky trying to get out the door and then of course the traffic. Thankfully, I do not have road rage but may say a few words under my breath. What I should have done would have been to get to bed earlier so to get the sleep I needed. I always set up for the next days breakfast before going to bed for myself and my pets. I normally have my clothes set out that I will wear. What makes it harder for me to get my crap together where I am older is if I have more aches and pains than normally, and if I spend too much time reading the news online. I need to keep my eye on what is right in front of me to get done what is needed so I am not rushing around getting stressed out. My problem is me, that one thing.

I cannot tell people what to do but I try to alleviate some of their stressors. I have been there and done that. It has taken me years to learn what I have. I still make mistakes but if I can help someone to help themselves, then I am good.

She remembered the dream so vividly. He had traveled far to see her. After a few hours and a shower, he said he was tired and wanted to rest before sleep. She then took her shower so not to wake him after he had fallen asleep. As she passed his bedroom door, he called her name. She went to see what he wanted. He asked if it would be inappropriate to ask her to sleep with him, to feel the warmth of another body next to his, which he had not felt for such a long time. She told him it would be fine. She dropped her robe then got into bed with him. It was an act of compassion that neither had felt for a long time, she more so than he. They had both spent too many years being used by others, being taken for granted. Without knowing how much time was left for either of them, as they were older, she craved what she could have had all those years ago with someone who felt as she did. She fell asleep wrapping herself around him, thinking he was right.

During the night, he rolled over so he was facing her. He, brushing her hair away from her face, staring at her, her body what he could see, he kissed her while his fingers traced her body, which woke her. She kissed him back. Her desire for him made her want him in every sense. Caressing each other, he drew her close enough towards him to feel her soul entering his as he kissed her neck. He laid on his back and while her hands trailed along his body, he then drew her on top of him. Still kissing and caressing, it felt as if they were making love, without doing the actual act itself. She could feel he was ready. He knew she was ready for him. She straddled him as he entered her. Their caresses continued as they made slow, rhythmic love. She felt as if she could not catch her breath. The love making may not have lasted long, but that was not the most important part of everything she had felt.

It was not the act of sex that was most important to both of them but the act of being one, intimately. Something they both had not felt in such a long time. The connection. The intimacy of knowing they genuinely mattered to someone, that it was not an act of self-gratification nor a performance in order to get something they wanted from each other. Their souls were connected in more than just a sexual way. They did not have a need to speak. The closeness said it all. When they finished, they cuddled up against each other and drifted off to sleep again. She could only think that the sex was fantastic but the sexual intimacy, the closeness of their souls, was spectacular.

When she woke, she still felt the breathlessness. It was as if she could feel the warmth of his body but he was not there. She laid in bed for the longest time remembering how his body felt against hers. The encompassing of the warmth that permeated around her body. She remembered how it felt cuddling up to him. She wanted him back.

She did not want to face that it had never happened. It was so real in her dream and even after she woke up, she found she could do nothing that day. She had been having such a gut wrenching feeling all day. It was only later that she learned it was emptiness, knowing he had not been there. The ache for him was very real. She finally made herself get into the shower, hoping it would bring her back to the here and now. She tried to do at least something that day and night but the thought of him filled her every minute. She would give anything to hold him again tonight while she slept.

As she got in bed that night as she looked at the empty side of her bed, she thought of what she would want to do the next day, making a mental list of things that needed to be done. Thinking of what to make for her evening meal. Trying to think of anything but what she had felt the night before. She even tried finding something on the tv but she was not into reality shows or soap operas. There were some documentaries she tried to get interested in but her mind kept going back to the empty side of her bed. In the end she had Alexa set her alarm and put some meditative music on a timer.

The next morning, she found herself lying in bed, remembering still. She told herself she was going to have to compartmentalize her feelings even though she knew they would always be in the forefront of her mind. She had always believed in dealing with any issues as they arose but this time she was unable to.

For some reason she also thought back to all she had learned while living as she had. The training she had learned from Gary and Joshua just to fill the voids. In a sense it was punishment to her body but it made her stronger physically. She, as an older women, endured what the younger ones could not. She never needed to know all they taught, although it made her disciplined. She thought back to her yoga classes and what she learned from them. Being in control of ones emotions so they do not control you. However, everything she had learned did not teach her how to deal with a loss that would probably never happen. She did not want to rebuild walls again so not to feel.

Today I was pretty much useless in doing anything around the house so checked in with my girls to see what was new. There are always new topics. Some I get involved with, some I leave. This is one I put my 2 cents in. It was about being single, wanting companionship, maybe marriage and not being a nurse or a purse which for some reason the women do not grasp in it’s entirety.

One woman wrote:

Why are people getting married after being married for decades and then their spouse dies? I don’t see the point of it. It just complicates finances. I understand if it’s a first marriage or if you don’t have any kids or family. Maybe, if you need benefits or aren’t financially set Otherwise, you can love someone, live with them and do life with them without the complications that marriage adds to the situation.

One woman posted – Love comes to mind!

Another posted – You can get remarried and keep finances separate

Another posted – Some seniors opt for a ceremony in the eyes of God but not an actual legal one in their state. Many pastors understand the whys, chiefly because of financial reasons, complications.

Another posted – I know a couple who married because they wanted to be sure pension benefits went to whoever survived.

Another posted – I read a recent study that indicated that men remarry very quickly after becoming a widower or divorced. Women on the other hand are less likely to marry if divorced or take vastly longer than divorced men. While widowed women are more likely to get married quickly, albeit a little later than widowed men. It was an interesting article.

Another posted – Too many women who have never heard “a nurse and a purse” are sadly living it.

Another posted – As a 2x widow, I must reveal that I was not married to my most recent partner. However, I insisted on a trust. It was not cheap, but it gave me every legal right a spouse would have had. You see, both of us had property & assets going into the relationship & I was not willing to risk what my previous husband & I had worked for. Our trust included all medical & end-of- life contingencies. We were both fully covered.

My answer was – Now this is only my opinion. I have no issues with being married but it depends who you are married to. This nurse or a purse thing has me scratching my head. I understand that some women have had to care for their dying husbands but what if the other shoe dropped and you were the one that ended up needing to be taken care of? I have no issues taking care of a man that I love. There is always home health care, etc.. but to not want to share life and love with someone “in case they got ill” I do not agree with. Again, it could be us that need that care. And some wonder if their man would actually care for them. I understand that also. When I have had health issues, I had to take care of myself.

I could live with someone and not be married however if we were happy and in love, I would make certain that if I went first, he would get my house, etc… I have no one to leave anything to so of course he would get my home and whatever else I had. As far as the man in my life making sure I was taken care of in case of his passing? If he had children from a previous relationship, of course he would provide for them. I figure if I can take care of myself financially now, why would I need him to take care of me with his passing. IF he chose to leave me something, that would be his choice but I would not ask him to. I am so used to taking care of myself that issue does not even figure into my equation of things. I am not saying I would buy him anything he wanted. He would have to buy his own wants just as I would buy my own wants. I figure as long as everything is out on the table and we individually take care of things legally, what is the problem.

I was surprised that many liked what I had posted. I found it unusual because too many women who are divorced or widowed complain constantly about “They’re not going to take care of another man.” Or that all men want is a woman to financially take care of them. I understand these things are important but not all men are that way. And if I am to be honest, there are a lot of women that count on a man to take care of them financially. And yes, I do get told off a lot. That is when I tell them that I have never needed a man to take care of me. For me to want a man in my life is just that…. a want. They have yet to see the difference but I bet their old tongues are just a wagging. It is what it is.

These are not my words. This was sent to me in a message, but they describe me

There is a special kind of

person in this world who is

often misunderstood.

These people tend to be the

loners, the free spirits,

the innocent lovers.

They see the world for all

they can, and should be,

Although the world rarely

sees them.

They are the old souls,

the dreamers, the people

in tune with life, so intuitive

of emotions that they frighten us.

They frighten us not because

of who they are, but because of

who we are not, what we lack.

Ancient souls reach depths

we cannot understand.

They have a connection with God,

with the Universe, with Nature,

and that’s why they are the people

who will change the world.

We often feel inferior,

as if we have to strive to stay

remotely close to their level,

to be worthy of their love.

It takes a confident person

to love an old soul.

But it’s worth it.

It will change your life.

They are romantic, they are loyal,

they help us grow, they are not

materialistic, they understand

the deep connections in life,

they are grateful, they are

examples of bravery.

They walk the most painful roads

of this life, and yet somehow they

find the courage to smile, often

selfless. Supporting others.

Loving an old soul and being loved

by one is a gift from the Universe.”

A friend of mine got married a short while ago. I did not know what to say. They had lived together for a long time. They got engaged but the man was hesitant to get married. The woman used to talk to me all the time about how she felt about his reservations. In all honesty, he had none but instead of her talking with him, she chose to speak with me. We had been friends since the late 90‘s.

I had told her that I could not make her choice for her. That this was her life she was speaking of. She had many issues with his not being able to have sex when she wanted it. She said he would not talk about it. I felt a little foolish having to explain things to her but I did. She had no idea but she does now. I am to assume that after that talk, things were a lot better between them in that department. I did say she might want to speak to a minister if she felt safe in doing so. Yet, I knew there were still some issues but that was up to them to resolve.

What made me think of this today is that after a night of having very little sleep because of a dream that wanted to invade my peace and quiet, I had signed on later that evening to see what my girls had been up to on our girls only page. Why were they always having problems with sex. I hesitated in saying anything because who the hell am I when it comes to sex. If I were a Catholic, giving up sex for lent would have been a lifetime thing for me. Yet, they always want my input. I have wondered why and silly me, I even asked one time. I tell it like it is they say. But “like it is” might work for me but we are all different. I am to assume I give them something to think about. They should do it instead of thinking about it.

So this is how it started. Their names have been omitted for their privacy. One woman posted, “I moved in with a wonderful man a year ago. He’s the best person I’ve ever known. If I make a move for physical hugs, kisses etc. He’s always loving in return. But, I make the first move. We only have sex about 4 x a year and I make the first move. He doesn’t seem to crave physical intimacy. His testosterone levels are normal. For some reason, this bothers me ALOT. We’ve talked about it and he tells me how much he loves me and it’s just not something he thinks about.“

Here are some of the replies to this woman and they also mention how their sex lives are:

“Most men of his age are like that, unless,they take the little blue pills.” I recommended that perhaps she could try some other things before going on pharmaceuticals, especially if he is on other medications. Spice things up, I said.

“Something is broken in him.” I had nothing to say on that one.

“Sex, as we age, slows more for men than women. Then it stops all together” I did not know what to say about that. I have never been this old. I had been married to a man 20 years older than I and we never had any problems but again, who am I?

“He’s always ready & I’m not always in the mood. He was in a sexless marriage for 40yrs.   We jive on every level so I tend to accommodate his appetite.”  My first thought was to give that woman a medal for thinking of someone other than herself however, I asked if she just laid there waiting for him to finish. And yes, I was wondering if her hubby knew and felt like he was just there for the ride. I told her that he could not make up for those 40 years but what they could have in the now, together, could be really great. Again, who am I to advise but to me, if a man knows his partner is not giving back as good as she gets, how does that make him feel? Yes, I know, I am all about feelings.

“That would be a huge deal breaker for me. I’m also a widow and remarried a few years ago. When we met, our attraction to each other was immediate and intense. Our intimacy is instigated by both of us, probably more by him. Everyone wants to be desired. He should think about it because it’s a two way street. He knows it bothers you. I am sorry that he’s this way”. Now this one would get a medal. I appreciate it when a couple can give attention to each other. I am jealous. Wish I could be this lucky.

“Is he gay….maybe just needing you as a cover-up” I had nothing to say. This can happen but my main thought was for this person who answered and her partner.

“Intimacy changes a lot in aging for a lot of people but intimacy is also more than physical” Now this one got a gold star and a medal.

There was one more who replied that said old people just don’t care anymore. My reply was that being in love while older makes each other feel young again and that people who live together or married for that fact, live longer. Would it not be wonderful to grow old with someone. After I said what I did, she deleted her message. It is true. Sometimes a person will say they are too old to care about someone. That they have nothing to offer another person. They may have aches and pains or their body may not be as firm or youthful as it used to be. So what I say. If they have given up on love perhaps they never had the right kind of love earlier in their lives so why bother now that they are older.

I was up until 2:30 with my girls. My mind went back to my friend, who had recently gotten married. It also made me look back at mine. I’ve always believed in some things that others never gave a second thought to. But even then, things just do not work out. I could never understand why people got together and refused to work on issues that may crop up. Are they afraid to speak of their feelings, coming across as foolish? Do they not care enough? Or has their partner made them realize that they are the ones that don’t care, that they have moved on to greener pastures.

Before choosing a life partner, look closely at how they live, not just how they love. Watch how they treat people who can do nothing for them. Notice how they act when they are frustrated, tired, or not getting their way. Pay attention to how they handle stress, and whether they take responsibility or shift blame.

See how they treat you in ordinary moments—how they speak to you when you disagree, how they support you when you are overwhelmed, and how they react when plans do not go their way. Do they listen with care? Do they show up when it matters? Do they communicate with honesty or avoid hard conversations?

Their daily choices will shape your shared life. Their emotional habits will affect your peace of mind. Their priorities will become part of your reality. And their values will guide every decision you make together—from finances and careers to parenting and conflict.

A lasting relationship is built on more than chemistry. It’s built on trust, patience, shared goals, and emotional safety. Choose someone who brings calm to chaos, who respects your boundaries, and who puts in effort even when it’s inconvenient.

Pick a partner whose character matches the kind of life you want to live. Not just someone who feels good in the moment, but someone who feels right for the long road ahead, however long it is.

Maybe it won’t work out.  Maybe it won’t be what you wanted.  Or it may just be the adventure of a lifetime.  Life is too short. Go for that happiness. Take that leap of faith if it feels real.

The real luxuries in life are what money cannot buy.

They are the moments we would not trade for the world.

The late night drives

Taking a trip on a moments notice

Sitting close together, saying nothing.

Holding each other in the silence of calm

Sharing kisses, holding hands

Reading to one another

Dancing in the kitchen

Laughing together until it hurts

And perhaps having times when we can act like kids being silly

Joy is not found in things we have or may collect

It is the memories that stay long after the stuff we collected is gone

True wealth is not measured by what we own

But in what we have left, if all was taken away

I am one to scan a room upon entering it.  I also scan the area before and when getting out of a vehicle or going outside of someones home.  I have even walked into my own home and knew if someone else has been there or if something has been moved.  Others are not so well versed in putting objects back where I had them.  I used to walk into my dads house, telling him that someone had been there.  He would ask me how I knew and I would tell him that his “this or that” was not placed as he had placed it.  He used to laugh at that but once he found out that someone had actually shown up, he would stop, take his hand and brush the top of his forehead, up over his hair.   

While my husband and I were engrossed in our individual wants, he would ask what the noise was that he heard.  I think he expected me to look to tell him.  I did not need to look, I could tell him without moving.  He thought I was nuts.  He used to say to me, “That’s not what it is,” while he got up to look at what had made the noise.  I told him I could see better with my ears, which he could never understand.  In my 30’s, I had alder bushes stuck in my eyes by someone who was high from smoking pot and drinking.  I had to have my eyes patched for what seemed the longest time.  Daily trips to a hospital an hour away to have specialist poke and prod my eyes along with using slit lamps.  For some reason they were not healing.  So it was well over a month of eye drops, eye salve, and patches.  That is how I learned to see with my ears.  It is true that when one loses one sense, the others pick up where the lost sense left off.  Once the husband knew what I had told him was true, he never questioned me again.  And I still have that sense of seeing with my ears.    

I can walk into a room and feel everything.  I can tell who wished they were anywhere but there, who is feeling insecure being in a crowd and who is going to try to hit on others.  I am pretty good at reading people.  Much can be learned by people watching.  As I look around, some do not or cannot make eye contact.  Shame or no self-confidence?  I can see the softness in a person who wants to smile, yet up until they do, I see it.  Some keep looking at their watch or at a clock, waiting to leave without being rude.  One trait is a persons eyes.  When a person smiles and is genuine, their eyes also smile.  The way a person holds themselves.  The hands.  The way they tilt their heads.  There are many ways a person gives off their vibes.

I had always been like this since being very young.  I was the one who preferred to stay in the background watching.  Peoples tone in their voices, the body stiffening, the side glances, a nervous laugh, and the ones always silent.  Peoples emotions do not always come out of their mouths.  Body language says a lot more.  The way a person walks. Holds themselves and interacts with others.  Is it easy or hard for them to have a conversation?  I could tell who I would want to speak to and who to stay well away from, and that was just because of being able to pick up the different idiosyncrasies in people.

I also feel this may be why some people feel uncomfortable in my presence.  I can look at them while listening to what they are telling me but I noticed the facial tics, how their sweat starts to form and how they keep shifting their hands or body.  It is as if I can see deep withing their soul. I cannot say whether they think that I am drowning out everything they are saying, that I make them feel uncomfortable with my ability to look at them while they speak or is it because they think I am thinking to myself, “what the hell“.

Another thing that can turn a person off from stopping to speak to me is that I feel deeply and many times, too deeply.  Being an empath is something that if one is not careful, they can lose their sense of self.  I have been invited to get togethers just to want to leave as soon as I have scanned the room.  Some people can suck the energy out of you.  And there are times when I have been somewhere and have felt others pain.  It’s like all the emotions smack me in the face.  I have carried some of those emotions for many years.  I often wondered if it was because I did not want to deal with them or just wanted them to go away, which they never did.  It is only when dealing with them that one can look at them in a different light.   Some of those emotions which did not belong to me, haunted me.  That was when I would need to have time and space by myself.  I have a need to recharge if you will when things get overwhelming.  It seems like in this world, so many people talk without saying a word.  They talk, constantly, about nothing.  My alone time is most important to me whether I meditate, take the early mornings just for me and nature, or to only sit with a cup of tea while watching any sign of animals in my backyard.   My soul needs time to recoup and to just breathe. 

I am not one for small talk.  It seems a waste of breath.  I much prefer to talk about real things.  Things that people feel deep in their souls.  What they believe in, what makes them happy.  What they don’t dare to say for fear of looking silly.  I also prefer to have a smaller gathering of people.  I find where there is more than one, it is again the concept of talking without saying anything.  I will take being real, having depth any day.

I have always wondered if that is why I feel most relaxed around animals.  They live in the moment.  They live with honesty.  They ask nothing but to be themselves and want the same from you.  One gets unconditional love and loyalty from animals.  They are always happy to see you come home.  And all they show you is love. 

I have always been the odd ball, black sheep of the family and every other disconcerting form of words one could come up with.  I have lived with great pain.  I have loved with everything I have.  I have had to remain quiet when full of fear.  And I have felt great loss while keeping it inside of myself not letting anyone know that I was hurting.  Always with a smile for others with them never seeing beneath that smile.  So many years of me putting what I felt on the back burner because of having so many things to deal with.

I think as we all age, we take those things we have gone through to categorize in ways that seem to be less harsh.  We get stronger, wiser and hopefully softer.  We learn what does and does not matter.  I think we also see the times we have wasted ourselves on trivial matters that we no longer bother with.  I, myself, don’t go anyplace where I know I will not be able to be myself because of someone wanting me to fit in.  I refuse any type of drama.  I have found I have no time for the unimportant things that so many people let take over their waking thoughts.  I want the calmness, the peacefulness that comes from the depths of my soul.

I have found that I trust my intuition.  I have always been a patient person and I am still that way, maybe even more now as I age.  When others are vocalizing their anxieties or anger, I still remain quiet while wishing them well internally as I walk off.  Just as I walk away from ones that only loved me if I had something they wanted.  I want real connection.  I want to be able to be as I am without having to be careful of what I say, where I can be who I am without having to be as another would want. 

I cannot say what lies ahead of me.   For now, it is quiet nights in where I can watch tv or be on the pc, doing some form of art, writing, listening to music or even doing bits of housework.  My happiness is whatever I choose.  I like being softer when it is affordable, without having to defend or explain myself to anyone who may be having their insecurities.  I much prefer safe silence and being present.  I do not apologize for who I am or how I feel anymore.  I only want open, honest connections without having to worry if what I say will upset another person.  I have yet to meet people who are as I am.  My happiness looks different, if not odd to them.

By choosing no drama, and dropping friends who run like hell when things get real, less noise and more peace and deeper connections, that is more than enough for me.

Have you ever had days when you sense everything in and around you is so ethereal? The past few days for me have been a neither here nor there feeling. At first I thought I was having days of having my head up my ass but it felt nothing remotely close to that. It was as if something was going on around me. Something I could not see but the feelings I felt, were something I could say, was not of this world. I felt so peaceful. When I moved, it felt like I did so with such ease. Like everything was going in slo-mo. I had to run a few errands and wondered if I was well enough to drive, not knowing what was going on.

As I drove, I noticed others drove with more patience compared to what I normally see. As I entered the store, people turned and smiled which was not the norm. Shoppers were not rushing. That was when I wondered if I should go home. I also wondered if I was having a medical issue. Oh, the damndest things I think of when things are in alignmentt. In the end, I just rolled with the flow. Not giving it another thought, I finished getting what I went in for. I happened to get one of the self-serve registers that was acting up. I didn’t say any cuss words like I normally do. Even while checking out, the automated voice that I always want to give a throat punch to did not bother me. I felt nothing but peace. The drive home was tedious, but what else was new? I found myself wondering why this lane always had issues. One either went straight or turned right into a store’s driveway, and yet, here we sat, waiting. Patiently.

Once home and after I got stuff put away somewhat and bundled my shopping bags into one, I was confused with this aura of peacefulness I still felt. I left everything else and got on my PC to talk to someone. I explained how things were going that day. She usually had a handle on things like this. I sat there while giving my girls their treats and seeing what she had sent me.

Okay, I will admit I do look at my horoscope daily. Sometimes it fits, sometimes it will be like the day I had before or after, after reading it. I don’t put much stock in it. She asked me if I had realized how the planets were aligned, which I did not. She told me that the peace I felt was because of it. I admit I did roll my eyes a bit but then I dug into researching it. “Hmm” I said. I then went on to reading my emails then got up to finish putting stuff away and putting the bags back into my car. What else the research on this told me, I had to take some time to mull over while I finished up doing what I had to.

What I read said how someone from my past or my present would come to make amends with me whether they were a past loved one, family or a friend. I thought of who it would be. It would not be Bobby. I had dropped him as a friend on my FB. It’s like he was stalking me. Everything was all about him and not one I wanted in my life. I knew it would not be Kris. He knew better than to come to my house. So I could not picture who it would be. Then Al popped up in my mind. He wanted to be in my life right after Mel died but I was not in a good place and he picked up on that. He never came back and I was good with that. He was not someone I would want a steady diet of having nothing in common. So that would leave ones who had left my life many years ago and the only way I would feel their presence is spiritually with their souls. In any case, I relished the feeling of peace. I had never felt so good. It was In the evening that I thought of my friend who had been sending me emails of his journey. He called it his adventure. I missed writing to him every day. And if I did not hear from him for a while, I grew worried, sending him wellness vibes. I cannot explain feeling how I do about someone I have never met but it is such an easy, lovely, peaceful feeling. I then wondered if I was feeling what he was feeling. Stranger things have happened.

My friend and I had much in common. I could feel what he was not saying in between the lines as he wrote of his past . I knew what it felt like to be rejected, used or talked about behind my back. I always wondered if I had done something to make them react as they had. Things were always good at home. It was what they did and what they said while they were at work or with others. It is something to be married and still feel single, doing everything myself.

I’ve never faked my love for a single soul, however, they never got “all” of me. I was saving that for one special man, my “home”, whoever he was. That is why I take betrayal personally. I could never understand how anyone could act like nothing was wrong to someone’s face then do what they would do on their own. Actions prove who someone is and words only show who they pretend to be. I guess they thought they would never be seen by my friends. I remember how that kick in my gut felt when they told me what they had seen. My doors that were constantly open were then closed. I did not want people to climb any walls that I had built around myself. I much preferred them to knock as a sign of respecting what I had made to protect myself. I am still hopeful that one day when I am not paying attention, love will show up, and I will meet that person, the one who will rescue the last piece of my heart, giving it life again.

Funny how a day of such bliss can send me off going down all avenues whether the planets were aligning or not. What came into my thoughts had come from the words I read. The peacefulness, the calmness I felt. And wondering why the universe would have me feel them, also wondering who had sent them my way. Either or I was most thankful and filled with gratitude. Namaste

……………….I asked myself this last night knowing I would be changing the bedding the next morning. I know, silly question however nobody knows where I will go from a title.

Something that has weighed on my mind since it was said to me from someone I care for. Their words I understood and had felt myself before. Their words mentioned to me after I told someone about getting into a warm bed with having a heated mattress pad.

Their exact words were with just a few taken out to provide this person with privacy “I didn’t care much for that kind of coldness that ???? radiated, and that pretty much destroyed my desire for body to body contact. I do a lot better alone than to feel that kind of rejection again“.

I think we have all felt some sort of rejection throughout our lives. Whether it was from our parents, friends or someone who we wanted in our lives. Intimate rejection is similar yet harder on a different level. Some of us let our guard down, wanting to believe in what someone else says. Some of us build a wall of steel around our heart to never feel anything ever again. I, myself, was the first example a few times which led me to be the last example.

It was in the early 2000’s when I spent some time talking with someone who would talk of some of his past and what he had gone through. I also opened up about different things. Even though our time talking went on for months, it showed me that I could feel again. I called him my safe place. I felt safe enough to open up, somewhat, of what I had kept locked up for a very long time. I will always be grateful for that friendship while we went on our different paths to living.

It was refreshing to feel so many things once again but the life I led, with whom I was with, started to turn me back into that cold as stone presence. So I kept doing what I had to while never losing the talks my friend and I had had. Love was what I was missing. And I am not talking sex. I missed the comfort that came from being able to be who I actually was without pissing someone off. I missed the hugs, arm around the shoulder and the hand holding. I missed the emotional intimacy.

Everyone thinks that intimacy is all about sex. It is not. It is about having that soul connection, laughing, sharing what is on one’s mind, feeling safe, unspoken understanding, the closeness that makes everything more meaningful, and developing a deeper bond. And with some, no words are needed but both understand what the other is or is not saying. It is not always physical, it is emotional. Sometimes sex may happen, sometimes it won’t but sex is just sex. What one can get from emotional intimacy lasts longer than sex. I am not saying that sex cannot bond people but first, the emotional intimacy is more important than lust.

I decided to go with the percale. It is a bit rougher on the skin. Perhaps it will sand down the roughness I have held for the past few years, while hoping it can soften the heart of my friend.

I am in a womens group. These are mostly a group of good women who talk about anything and everything. Some are married, some divorced, some widowed and some are single. We always seem to find many subjects to debate. Most times our discussions have us on the floor laughing our asses off. Tonight was one example of it.

One woman brought up the subject of women shaving and not our underarms. I was late getting on the group so I read through the opinions that were posted. I chuckled at a few of them. They were being so “proper” with their wordings. Others, not so much and I think that made me chuckle the most.

As I continued to read the replies, I started to place my hands on my keyboard then I pulled back. I really had to think whether to say something or not. Some said it was gross. I went to place my hands on my keyboard and pulled them back again. I never have been one to hold back when my opinion is asked but it came across to me that a lot of these women……perhaps were not as open as I.

Before I went to live in England, I lived in the country on a quiet road. Yes, there was traffic but mostly early mornings, nights and weekends. I used to have 6 acres, One acre to mow and the rest were wooded but my home was in full view from the road even with being off the road for a ways. I had a big veggie garden and gardened in the nude. One could hear if a vehicle was coming. I kept a man’s cotton shirt handy, just in case. I did not have one inch of my skin that was not tanned. And even clothed, I worked outside on my property. In the UK, where everything was paved, I continued to get browner when the sun was out so I was pretty dark. It was only after being here for a few years and not being out in the sun that my tan faded.

I waited and waited, reading more replies. I placed my hands again on my keyboard and gave them my opinion. I wrote that I had shaved since 1st – I was an older teen wearing a bikini. I had stopped for a while but when preparing for child birth, the nurses shaved women before birth. Once the stitches had cleared up, I started shaving again and the number 2 reason was it made sex better. I also had to inject some humor so I then told them number 3 was that at least I had no clinkers. I had to admit that I stopped shaving a while ago because of feeling “Why bother.” A lot of them in their 60’s said they did not have any hair down there anymore. I told them I did but kept it trimmed so not to have any clinkers. When I could stop laughing I had to tell them what shaving all the time could cause. That shaving constantly can give one skin irritations, skin infections, ingrown hairs and even bacterial or viral infections.

The replies were numerous. Hell one even had it lasered off; Then there was one that started in about Islam rules about this which required plucking all the hairs. It gave us all reasons to have a good laugh. Well, most of us. There were also ones who thought what we were talking about was gross and dirty. We all have voices and the freedom to say what we feel without repercussions.

I noticed when one woman mentioned it made it better for oral sex, everyone went quiet after that. No one liked her post, but I did. Oral sex is for the ones who enjoy receiving or giving it but seeing the ones who have backed off any conversation would tell me that either they feel that is their own private business, which I do agree or some think it’s dirty. Either or, I am wondering what our next topic of conversation will be.