I Am Not Always Right

I received an email from a woman who had been in one of our discussions about a month ago. She said I had given her things to think about. She wanted my advice. I did the best I could however I am not always right. I have left her email to me, not in italics. I told her she was one lucky girl.

When my 89-year-old boyfriend and I, three years younger, first talked about moving in together, we asked friends and family for their opinions. Naysayers worried that we were “having a serious case of dementia.’’ One friend asked why I wanted to be a “nurse with a purse,’ a decades-old expression referring to caring for an old man who might also be financially needy. I wondered what they would call a man who would care for his girlfriend if needed.

A few, like my widowed friends, Sheila and Arthur, both in their early 90s, offered more positive thoughts. Six years earlier, the widowed couple sold their homes and moved together into an independent senior living community. “It wasn’t easy at first,’’ said Sheila during our girls’ lunch together. “Arthur’s son feared that his dad was setting a bad example for his 20-year-old grandson.’’ But now, everyone is on board, she added, that young man is living with his girlfriend!

Moving in together is a big step at any age, but for my boyfriend and me, two folks in the sunset of our lives with the clock ticking more quickly than we’d like to admit, decisions needed to be carefully evaluated. To that point, we made a list of pros and cons, including issues that could arise unexpectedly. If, for example, he got seriously ill, would I be able to step up to the plate and be his caretaker?  And what if I got ill; would he be able to care for me? Both of us, fortunately, have long-term health insurance policies, which would help defray the costs for an aide to help us if needed.

No one can predict the future, but here are some of the pros and pitfalls of our decision-making process that helped us decide. Friends wonder why we don’t worry about tomorrow. But our combined lifetime experiences have made us realize that the future is now.

First and foremost, it was crucial that our families supported our decision. My son-in-law, Marc, said that seeing the two of us holding hands and speaking kindly to each other made him ask why we hadn’t done so earlier.

One of my boyfriends daughters agreed, but having gone through a divorce in her earlier life, she advised us to seek legal counsel regarding our finances. To that end, we have put everything in writing in our contract. We have also noted who pays for what and when.

My friend Evelyn commented that, as much as you plan, when it comes to money, your children are keeping an eye on their possible inheritance. She should know. She had been living with her 82-year-old boyfriend in his house when, after three years of togetherness, he unexpectedly passed away.  Since she had no written contract allowing her to remain in his house for an extended period of time, the boyfriend’s children rather unkindly showed her the door.

Because my boyfriends apartment is larger than mine, I will move into his. We have both signed documents as to what to do when one dies and what the other person’s responsibility is to maintain the apartment.

So why would I even entertain the thought of living together rather than continue with what we have now, which is commonly referred to as LAT or Living Apart Together? Let’s start at the beginning. Both widowed for many years, we’ve kept our homes separate. We liked our independence. My boyfriend has his interests; I have mine.

Slowly, I can’t explain how it happened (nor can he), we began having occasional overnight dates. After a year or so, we enjoyed a weekend together, whether it was to socialize with friends or spend an afternoon at the beach.

Now five years into our relationship, I’m most happy when I cuddle in bed with my boyfriend, and sad when the weekend is over and I return to my home. But, without warning, the decision to live together came one day, not long ago, as I was leaving my boyfriends house.

I felt sad to go and ran back to his apartment to give him a hug. I didn’t have to go very far as he was coming back outside to embrace me as well. At that moment, there was no more thinking about what to do, no more what if this or that happens, only the joy of being together.

Okay, before you think I’m a bit too old and perhaps too foolish, rest assured that my boyfriend and I did more homework than just paying attention to our finances. A Palm Beach psychologist with whom we sought counseling to help us see if we were heading in the right direction spoke with us.

At first, he talked about the pleasurable aspects of a physical/intimate, loving relationship at any age. My boyfriend and I are on the right path, he added, as he encourages older couples to find pleasurable moments to share things such as cuddling, watching movies together, or just enjoying a candlelit meal.

We also discussed the importance of finding time to separate from each other, as both of us are used to living alone. My early morning routine is spent at the gym; My boyfriend  likes a leisurely breakfast, reading the financial news and world events. We get together in the late afternoon, relaxing with a glass of wine and sharing our thoughts about our friends and families, even the gossip in our Florida senior living community.

Before we left, the psychologist asked each of us what we liked about the other. My boyfriends answer came quickly: “She’s my best friend. I can tell her anything, and it’s all OK.”

I had to think a little longer, then had difficulty holding back the tears when I said, “I don’t walk the way I used to, my belly bulges and my face is full of wrinkles. But when he looks at me, none of that matters. I just feel special.”

I could only tell her how I felt.   

As we grow older, we begin to understand a powerful truth that love, on its own, is never enough to sustain a relationship.  I agree, love is a beautiful thing.  It is a connection that fuels the passion and creates a bond. 

The challenge is that it takes more than just feelings.  It takes being accountable for your actions.  It takes the consistency of being able to love this person all the time, not only when it is convenient for you.  It takes open and honest communication.  There will be silent gaps and  misunderstandings that do not mean they do not love you.  Sometimes people have to have time and space to deal with things that have cropped up.  I think empathy and understanding is so important.  The ability to see their world through your eyes and visa versa.  And you both will need what I call emotional space so you both can breathe and enjoy what you do individually but to make sure you do not lose yourself. 

I cannot say how either of you handle disagreements.  I can only tell you how I am that way.  If I do not like something that was said or done, I can say how I feel, calmly, but then I drop it.  It’s over.  I do not hold onto anger nor hold grudges.  I have seen more couples have an argument and call it quits because they did not know how to say what each other felt then to think things over.  It isn’t who is right or wrong.  It is the ability to deal with things and come to an agreement.  Even if it is to agree to disagree.  And do not be so proud that you cannot say that you are sorry.  There is where the empathy and emotional intelligence comes in.  Do not take each other for granted.   You both need to have healthy boundaries to protect your relationship without suffocating it.  Appreciation and respect so neither one feels invisible.  Some people are unable to voice how they feel so if either one of you ever says, “Text me when you get to……wherever they are going” shows love.  Making sure they take their umbrella if it’s raining is an act of love toward the other person.  I know these may be dumb examples but it is the little things that show love and that you care. There are so many people that are never shown care for anyone else.  Support for the everyday things whether it is during a struggle or a quiet moment.  Honesty, loyalty is most important because without trust, love will die.

And yes, it is good to set everything down on paper. I have no love in my life but if I ever had one that I knew would work out, I would leave my home and everything to him where I have no one to leave it to. It would be for his protection and ensure he had a home and resources to stay here if I should pass. He would have no worries with me putting everything in trust, so no probate issues. No people coming out of the woodwork so to speak. What he did with it when he was getting ready to make his exit, would be up to him. I would only feel good to know he would always be taken care of, with me and without me.

And might I say how lucky you are to have this love. Cherish what you both have. A lot of us never have it.