Wistfulness

She remembered the dream so vividly. He had traveled far to see her. After a few hours and a shower, he said he was tired and wanted to rest before sleep. She then took her shower so not to wake him after he had fallen asleep. As she passed his bedroom door, he called her name. She went to see what he wanted. He asked if it would be inappropriate to ask her to sleep with him, to feel the warmth of another body next to his, which he had not felt for such a long time. She told him it would be fine. She dropped her robe then got into bed with him. It was an act of compassion that neither had felt for a long time, she more so than he. They had both spent too many years being used by others, being taken for granted. Without knowing how much time was left for either of them, as they were older, she craved what she could have had all those years ago with someone who felt as she did. She fell asleep wrapping herself around him, thinking he was right.

During the night, he rolled over so he was facing her. He, brushing her hair away from her face, staring at her, her body what he could see, he kissed her while his fingers traced her body, which woke her. She kissed him back. Her desire for him made her want him in every sense. Caressing each other, he drew her close enough towards him to feel her soul entering his as he kissed her neck. He laid on his back and while her hands trailed along his body, he then drew her on top of him. Still kissing and caressing, it felt as if they were making love, without doing the actual act itself. She could feel he was ready. He knew she was ready for him. She straddled him as he entered her. Their caresses continued as they made slow, rhythmic love. She felt as if she could not catch her breath. The love making may not have lasted long, but that was not the most important part of everything she had felt.

It was not the act of sex that was most important to both of them but the act of being one, intimately. Something they both had not felt in such a long time. The connection. The intimacy of knowing they genuinely mattered to someone, that it was not an act of self-gratification nor a performance in order to get something they wanted from each other. Their souls were connected in more than just a sexual way. They did not have a need to speak. The closeness said it all. When they finished, they cuddled up against each other and drifted off to sleep again. She could only think that the sex was fantastic but the sexual intimacy, the closeness of their souls, was spectacular.

When she woke, she still felt the breathlessness. It was as if she could feel the warmth of his body but he was not there. She laid in bed for the longest time remembering how his body felt against hers. The encompassing of the warmth that permeated around her body. She remembered how it felt cuddling up to him. She wanted him back.

She did not want to face that it had never happened. It was so real in her dream and even after she woke up, she found she could do nothing that day. She had been having such a gut wrenching feeling all day. It was only later that she learned it was emptiness, knowing he had not been there. The ache for him was very real. She finally made herself get into the shower, hoping it would bring her back to the here and now. She tried to do at least something that day and night but the thought of him filled her every minute. She would give anything to hold him again tonight while she slept.

As she got in bed that night as she looked at the empty side of her bed, she thought of what she would want to do the next day, making a mental list of things that needed to be done. Thinking of what to make for her evening meal. Trying to think of anything but what she had felt the night before. She even tried finding something on the tv but she was not into reality shows or soap operas. There were some documentaries she tried to get interested in but her mind kept going back to the empty side of her bed. In the end she had Alexa set her alarm and put some meditative music on a timer.

The next morning, she found herself lying in bed, remembering still. She told herself she was going to have to compartmentalize her feelings even though she knew they would always be in the forefront of her mind. She had always believed in dealing with any issues as they arose but this time she was unable to.

For some reason she also thought back to all she had learned while living as she had. The training she had learned from Gary and Joshua just to fill the voids. In a sense it was punishment to her body but it made her stronger physically. She, as an older women, endured what the younger ones could not. She never needed to know all they taught, although it made her disciplined. She thought back to her yoga classes and what she learned from them. Being in control of ones emotions so they do not control you. However, everything she had learned did not teach her how to deal with a loss that would probably never happen. She did not want to rebuild walls again so not to feel.