My Girls Part 2

A friend of mine got married a short while ago. I did not know what to say. They had lived together for a long time. They got engaged but the man was hesitant to get married. The woman used to talk to me all the time about how she felt about his reservations. In all honesty, he had none but instead of her talking with him, she chose to speak with me. We had been friends since the late 90‘s.

I had told her that I could not make her choice for her. That this was her life she was speaking of. She had many issues with his not being able to have sex when she wanted it. She said he would not talk about it. I felt a little foolish having to explain things to her but I did. She had no idea but she does now. I am to assume that after that talk, things were a lot better between them in that department. I did say she might want to speak to a minister if she felt safe in doing so. Yet, I knew there were still some issues but that was up to them to resolve.

What made me think of this today is that after a night of having very little sleep because of a dream that wanted to invade my peace and quiet, I had signed on later that evening to see what my girls had been up to on our girls only page. Why were they always having problems with sex. I hesitated in saying anything because who the hell am I when it comes to sex. If I were a Catholic, giving up sex for lent would have been a lifetime thing for me. Yet, they always want my input. I have wondered why and silly me, I even asked one time. I tell it like it is they say. But “like it is” might work for me but we are all different. I am to assume I give them something to think about. They should do it instead of thinking about it.

So this is how it started. Their names have been omitted for their privacy. One woman posted, “I moved in with a wonderful man a year ago. He’s the best person I’ve ever known. If I make a move for physical hugs, kisses etc. He’s always loving in return. But, I make the first move. We only have sex about 4 x a year and I make the first move. He doesn’t seem to crave physical intimacy. His testosterone levels are normal. For some reason, this bothers me ALOT. We’ve talked about it and he tells me how much he loves me and it’s just not something he thinks about.“

Here are some of the replies to this woman and they also mention how their sex lives are:

“Most men of his age are like that, unless,they take the little blue pills.” I recommended that perhaps she could try some other things before going on pharmaceuticals, especially if he is on other medications. Spice things up, I said.

“Something is broken in him.” I had nothing to say on that one.

“Sex, as we age, slows more for men than women. Then it stops all together” I did not know what to say about that. I have never been this old. I had been married to a man 20 years older than I and we never had any problems but again, who am I?

“He’s always ready & I’m not always in the mood. He was in a sexless marriage for 40yrs.   We jive on every level so I tend to accommodate his appetite.”  My first thought was to give that woman a medal for thinking of someone other than herself however, I asked if she just laid there waiting for him to finish. And yes, I was wondering if her hubby knew and felt like he was just there for the ride. I told her that he could not make up for those 40 years but what they could have in the now, together, could be really great. Again, who am I to advise but to me, if a man knows his partner is not giving back as good as she gets, how does that make him feel? Yes, I know, I am all about feelings.

“That would be a huge deal breaker for me. I’m also a widow and remarried a few years ago. When we met, our attraction to each other was immediate and intense. Our intimacy is instigated by both of us, probably more by him. Everyone wants to be desired. He should think about it because it’s a two way street. He knows it bothers you. I am sorry that he’s this way”. Now this one would get a medal. I appreciate it when a couple can give attention to each other. I am jealous. Wish I could be this lucky.

“Is he gay….maybe just needing you as a cover-up” I had nothing to say. This can happen but my main thought was for this person who answered and her partner.

“Intimacy changes a lot in aging for a lot of people but intimacy is also more than physical” Now this one got a gold star and a medal.

There was one more who replied that said old people just don’t care anymore. My reply was that being in love while older makes each other feel young again and that people who live together or married for that fact, live longer. Would it not be wonderful to grow old with someone. After I said what I did, she deleted her message. It is true. Sometimes a person will say they are too old to care about someone. That they have nothing to offer another person. They may have aches and pains or their body may not be as firm or youthful as it used to be. So what I say. If they have given up on love perhaps they never had the right kind of love earlier in their lives so why bother now that they are older.

I was up until 2:30 with my girls. My mind went back to my friend, who had recently gotten married. It also made me look back at mine. I’ve always believed in some things that others never gave a second thought to. But even then, things just do not work out. I could never understand why people got together and refused to work on issues that may crop up. Are they afraid to speak of their feelings, coming across as foolish? Do they not care enough? Or has their partner made them realize that they are the ones that don’t care, that they have moved on to greener pastures.

Before choosing a life partner, look closely at how they live, not just how they love. Watch how they treat people who can do nothing for them. Notice how they act when they are frustrated, tired, or not getting their way. Pay attention to how they handle stress, and whether they take responsibility or shift blame.

See how they treat you in ordinary moments—how they speak to you when you disagree, how they support you when you are overwhelmed, and how they react when plans do not go their way. Do they listen with care? Do they show up when it matters? Do they communicate with honesty or avoid hard conversations?

Their daily choices will shape your shared life. Their emotional habits will affect your peace of mind. Their priorities will become part of your reality. And their values will guide every decision you make together—from finances and careers to parenting and conflict.

A lasting relationship is built on more than chemistry. It’s built on trust, patience, shared goals, and emotional safety. Choose someone who brings calm to chaos, who respects your boundaries, and who puts in effort even when it’s inconvenient.

Pick a partner whose character matches the kind of life you want to live. Not just someone who feels good in the moment, but someone who feels right for the long road ahead, however long it is.

Maybe it won’t work out.  Maybe it won’t be what you wanted.  Or it may just be the adventure of a lifetime.  Life is too short. Go for that happiness. Take that leap of faith if it feels real.