M.I.A.

I have been missing in action since early 2022. I had gone through some personal issues and stepped back from a lot that I used to do. I needed to take time to work on myself. It was hard to do. I found myself sitting and letting my mind go all over the place. It is like that when your life changes. But I kept writing but kept it on my PC in a word document. I will add them as I want to.

I had electricians, plumbers and carpenters to straighten out what had been screwed up by someone else. I found it made me angry. Angry that someone could do what they did. And the more money I had to fork out to have these repairs done, the angrier I got. I sat, in stillness. Going over every turn of event that had happened in the past ten years. The more I thought, the angrier I got. Every day I was just existing. Doing what I had to such as paying the bills and going to appointments but as far as anything else, I let it slide.

I got so that I would bathe when I knew I had to go out. I would do the dishes when I got sick of looking at them. I only vacuumed when my air purifiers would stop working. I was not eating what I should have been. I would grab anything quick just to say that I had eaten. I would get to bed by one in the mornings and sleep the next day away unless I had to go somewhere. I had no want to get the house clean. I had no want to cook a meal. And still I sat and thought about nothing but how angry I was. I even had times when I thought I would explode. I had no place to expel the anger that I felt. I ended up becoming my own therapist.

I knew what I “should” be doing but still I sat. Going over things in my head. I did very little. I had no closure from what had happened. No apologies for what had been done or said to me. Nothing but hatred from someone. And the mess they left me with. While out, if someone saw me they would stop to talk. I would smile even though I wanted them to shut the hell up, yet I was pleasant to the ones that I had seen over and over for years. They knew what had happened. If you need something call us they would say. We all know how that goes. They are always busy. It was just as well. I was not looking for company. The “shoulds and coulds kept rolling around in my head. I knew one thing I really needed to have done.

I did have one niece show up. She said she wanted to help. She would show up and say how she needed to go eat so we would go. Then she needed to stop at a few stores. Then it was that she needed to get back home that was a couple of hours away. That went on for a while. Then it was mentioned that “someone” should be on my bank accounts just in case. And “It would be nice if I had a set of keys to your house just in case”. It was not a bad idea so I did that knowing I had no one else in my life but with her less then stellar way of not helping me as I could have used I said nothing. It was when I realized that once she had what she wanted, I never saw her. The excuses she gave. It was the last time she came here that I said to myself, “Fuck this” and took her name off of everything at the bank and sent her on her merry way to never see her again.

I had all of his stuff cleared out of the house. His room, all of his tools down cellar and out in a shed. I got rid of it all. It was while cleaning off his desk that I found he had left me a letter he had typed out and folded neatly into a pile of paperwork I had to go through. That was enough to piss me off even more. One person he used to work with came to the house. I showed them the letter left to me. They could not believe it, however knowing that he had lied to them for the past 12 years and the different things they had noticed, they knew it to be true. They told me to get rid of it. I still have it folded up neatly in my backpack. I don’t think about it but it is there.

Once his things were out of the house I looked around and said to myself, now what do I do. I painted the bedroom, hung new drapes and blinds, got a bed in and had a carpenter put doors onto the closet. Then I painted the dining room, hung new drapes and blinds and had a new table and chairs delivered. The living room still needs work but I got a couch and recliner delivered. I have work to do still in the kitchen but again I found I sat and thought. Seems that is mostly what I did. And in doing so, I had packed on the weight. As pissed off as I was about that, I gave up. I found I just piddled about doing things. It took me a year to get stuff done that was needed. The car I had was having electrical problems. I had put so much money into it since he drove it on and off. I looked over my money situation to see what I wanted to pay for a different vehicle. Mine was only worth one thousand. I also looked at the used cars for sale by private sellers. There was nothing. Thankfully, my mechanics let me bring those cars to them so they could run their computer system on them. Still nothing. That was when I started looking at used cars at the dealerships local to me. I found a car that I could afford and it would be reliable. I signed the papers, gave them the down payment and I had it within a week. I had them put the lifetime coating under the carriage. I am happy with my car, especially knowing he would never ruin it.

Two years have gone by. I was back to my old self. That was when I found I would have really loved to have someone to share some part of my life with them. Someone I had known for a while would show up every so often but he would visit when I was still in a bad place. He never came back. His choice. If he thought I was just going to be with him without dealing with my past garbage then he had another think coming. You cannot drag old garbage along with you. You have to deal with it and then move on. My old friend Bobby came up once to go out for a meal. He never spoke. He would get out his car and just go where he was going without even thinking of turning to see if I was with him or catching up to him. I owed him a meal from when we all met at his camp. We went to Longhorns. After we went to Sam’s then to my house. He lugged in my groceries I had bought and he left. I am a hugger and wanted to give him a hug but I remember what he was like when he took me out for my birthday one year. I went to give him a hug and he said, “Oh yes, a hug.” and drove home. As I got in my car I thought of how miserable he must be to be cold as ice. The only thing he said to me that day when down at his camp was, “Does he know where you are.” That was the first thing he would say to me whenever we got together…”Does he know where you are?” I would tell him that yes, he did. I think he thought I was nuts but the whole crew was at camp, not just us alone. And after that he would only sit and stare at me all of the time. So anyway, after we had eaten at Longhorns and putting away my groceries, I signed onto my PC and the phone rang. He said he wanted to kiss me before he left. I did not know what to say. I had not been kissed since 1996. I told him I wanted to give him a hug but I remembered the last time. He said he could turn around to give me that kiss but I told him he must be almost home and it has snowed. It dawned on me after the fact that he was probably just down the street from me but it did not matter. It might have been a turn off for him but you know, if I have an inkling of wanting to kiss someone, I will just do it. I see beating around the bush, wasting time in a life that could end anytime. I was not about to play fuck fuck with him or any man. I would not have to worry about it. I never saw him again. I even dropped him as a friend on my Facebook. He would not talk to me but he would friend some man that had asked me a question and to me that was stalking. We never spoke or rather, he never did. I was good with it.

So here we are today. I’ve had my washing machine and dryer brought up from the cellar. I still have work to do in the kitchen and living room. I have doors to paint. I will get them done. It’s a bit early to have the windows open so it will have to wait for a while. I have no idea what to do in my kitchen. I am not a carpenter, not even a bit. My dad would always shake his head and laugh when he wanted me to measure something. I remember it to this day. I measured and told my dad it was 10.5 inches and 2 lines. I laugh even thinking about it. He told me to measure again. I still came to the same conclusion. That is when he would go and measure it himself. I was good at hammering so that was my job.

I know who I am and what I want in my life. I don’t even think about those past 12 years anymore. I don’t think of the last day with him. I only think of what I need to get done daily. I am finally at peace but I sure do miss having someone to share my life with. It may never happen but I can keep on hoping. I have always believed in love. I’ve just never found the real deal, my home, but I will always remain hopeful that, possibly, he will find me.