It Is Not Easy Being Me.

I am a simple person yet my oddities make me seem complicated. I like simplicity. I do not do well in crowded situations dealing with others. I tend to be the spectator of the game instead of being the player. I work well under stress but that is all. I like being in a rut so to speak and if change is coming, I drag my feet constantly knowing it is coming but getting though it. Once it has passed I start to get back to normal. I can swear like a sailor and use please and thank you like a saint.

Normal. What is that? I am dyslexic. I’ve never known normal. I could not read until 3rd grade. A traveling teacher picked up on it. My mother told the teacher I was retarded. My mother felt shame towards me. My dad knew I wasn’t but he could not put his finger on what was up with me, until that teacher. Once I had figured out a system for me to learn words and read, I could not put a book down. I still wrote some letters backwards and still say things out loud that are backwards, yet I kept on learning.

My parents divorced and I was thrust into a whole new world. I was a country bumpkin and found great difficulty trying to learn how to live in a city. I never fit in anywhere. I was always the brunt of a lot of the kids jokes. I didn’t dress like they did, didn’t know the different things they did. I found I stayed to myself listening to music and reading. I would daydream of how I wish things were. My mother and I moved every year. I was in a different school system every year. Those were the worst years of my life. I was introduced to drugs which I never dared to take. So many girls were pregnant. I had always believed you should save yourself for marriage. The way they all dressed was so different from me. Now that I look back at it, I was Mandy Moore in A Walk To Remember. That was how I dressed while the other girls were hardly dressed.

I would call and talk to my dad. He always made sense of everything. He had told me since I was a young girl that I was special. I never saw it. Now as an older person I think I understand what he meant. I am an empathic person. I do not know if that is the reason I can see what others can’t. Or is it from being dyslexic. I don’t like to argue. I saw so much fighting growing up. What does it solve? Things do get to me and I do get angry at myself at times but I am not one to sob uncontrollably. The things that works for me when I get frustrated is to work out or do physical labor.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. Usually I do not have to say anything for my facial expressions say it all but I have worked on that so I am not that obvious. And of course my birth sign. I am cancer the crab. Saying that has always made me laugh. I am a sentimental old fool. The simplest things mean the most to me. While everyone else wants big purchases, I prefer homemade. I am full of emotions and feelings. When I love, it is all encompassing. Sadly I have never had the love that I have given, returned. I am a romantic yet I’ve never needed someone falling all over me. I have my things I like to do by myself. I only wanted what I gave, given back. I didn’t want someone to tell me lies or to use me. I am a big believer in trust. I am a loyal person and have never had that given back. I take commitment seriously. I prefer quiet evenings at home watching tv or doing some research of whatever has reached my attention. Just cozy nights in with someone I love.

Do I miss not having someone to love in my life? Yes. Do I miss not having someone to do things with? Yes. I will watch some shows or see a commercial and only think, “I sure wished someone had felt that way about me.” It would be so nice to have someone who I could grow old with. We could help each other out, take care of each other while sharing a lot of laughs into our oldest ages. I just have not found him. Where are you?

I don’t have any family so to speak. I am by myself. I don’t have many women friends. I don’t fit in with them. They like to go out shopping a lot which I don’t. I don’t need stuff that I will never use or wear. They go out drinking. I don’t. I have night blindness so I am always home in the evenings. I’ve never been one to be in the road all the time.

I have fallen in love before. The men that fell in love with me did so because I was strong and independent. Then once they had me for themselves they did not like my being strong or independent. Why would they want to change who they had fallen in love with. That is when they would stray. I am to assume I drew those type of men to me. Perhaps they looked at me as a mother substitute. Well, I am nobody’s mama.

I’ve always been a loner. I found it better that way instead of always feeling so out of place amongst others and that was especially during school years. It is very hard to find anyone that thinks like I do or that has been through things in life that I have. I find enjoyment working out in the gardens, listening to music, writing and researching what I do. My music is not for everyone and that is okay. I like the older versions of tv and some of the newer ones. I like to write, draw, paint and do some crafts but find I have to be in the mood. Other than that I much prefer to be in nature.

So that is why it is not easy being me. I’ve never known real love. I have learned to be on my own, alone. No real close friends. No real family. I am not one for crowds or huge family gatherings. I would like to find someone who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread but I do not think that will happen. I have been told I am old fashioned while being laughed at but that is okay. Yes I am old fashioned and perhaps that is why it has never been easy to be me in this world. Perhaps I was born too late.