Where Did You Go

To the person who used to love rising with the sun and listening to all nature had to offer, where did you go. You used to get up raring to start another day. You always had a list a mile long of things you needed to and wanted to do. Out to the stores early in the mornings so to avoid the crowds and to get what you needed. So what happened to you.

Death changes a person. It sets you back a bit. And when there are more than one, it really sets you back. It makes one know that they are on the last part of their trip here on earth. It also makes one wonder what will life be like now. What I did not know was how much it would throw a monkey wrench into knowing life as I did.

It started in 2022. A friend died then his dog did. Next someone here died and a dog passed also. It seemed one person I knew or had in my life, died every month. I knew I had things to do and they did get done but I was still in a fog. I found I sat a lot. I sat and thought. And the more I thought, the worse it got. I did paint a couple of rooms and ceilings but I got no joy out of it like I used to. I bought all new furniture, having to replace the old ones that had the stain of death on them. I did what had to be done without putting much thought into it but what about me. Why was I not taking care of me.

As I sat further I would think back to what I used to do for myself. I remembered how I would get out of the shower or bath and rub baby oil on me then pat myself dry. I would put some body lotion on then dress myself. I used to give my feet a good soak then trim my nails and slather lotion on my feet and legs. I know these may seem minor compared to what most women do but they gave me pleasure. I used to put on some music and ditty bop around the house enjoying what I really hated to do for house cleaning. And I was religiously on my treadmill and doing my weights daily. So what changed in me.

I want to say that all the sitting I did, I started packing on the weight. It wasn’t that I was stuffing my face with food because I actually did not care if I ate. It was all of the most hateful things a person could have said to me. It was knowing a lot of the things I loved had been given away to someone that I did not know just so he could get his ego stroked. It was all the work he should have been doing all along. It was anger.

Before he left, once he had gone to bed and the dogs had gone out I was sitting up to 1 a.m. or later. It was the only time I had for myself with no interruptions. I could talk to my friends wherever they were in the world or do my research on items that interested me or I could write here. I would have loved to watch some tv that I liked but it bothered him so I played some music softly on my PC. I also ran a white noise machine so when he decided to rise at 3:30 a.m., the slamming of the cupboard doors would not wake me. I hated sleeping in late. It meant the day had been wasted and almost over. Yet, it is how I survived. I needed some me time so I had a few hours every night to do what I would like to instead of sleeping as I should have.

I hate fighting. I saw so much of it growing up. He always looked for a reason to fight. I knew I needed a release of the stress I was under but as things were, I just kept it within as I had done all those years with my mother. So in essence I believe those few years that I only seemed to sit and think and to feel the anger, I needed them. After all, the stress of staying a step ahead of him took a toll on me in all areas. And on the flip side, what I should have done was to get my ass back on the treadmill and to do my weights. However I did not. And here I am knowing I’ve got some weight to shed and to take better care of myself. What is it about hindsight.

I did make some changes to my home. Instead of having to pay for oil delivery and having a light bill, I installed 2 heat pumps and a heat pump water heater. So now I only have one bill instead of 2. I went all electric. It is much cheaper than before. The furnace was louder than I liked. And I feel the electric is a cleaner heat. Running the furnace, and the electric bill was close to 400. a month. In the summer, running the ACs my light bill was 300. or more. Now it is less. The only expensive part of going electric is the distribution charge. That is more than my actual electric usage. I had to have a new wire run up the side of the house which was expensive and a new panel down cellar. He had done a lot of damage with wiring. My electrician told me it is a wonder the house did not burn to the ground. He had taken uncovered wire and had run it from whatever he put it and had stuck the other end in the panel box that had water in the bottom. He had always said he hoped the house would burn to the ground. I had insulation put in the attic. So what should have been done years ago, the expense made me angry but at least I knew my house was safe.

So why was I still sitting and thinking? Was it a habit I developed before he left and I was just used to it? I had felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. Al would come over every so often. I think he wanted my companionship but I was not in any position to want him around. Besides he and I had nothing in common. Why is it that a man thinks that now their partner is out of the way, they want to slide into that spot. It is not who I was or am. The last time he came, he tried to give me a hug and I believe he got the hint because my hug back was not what he expected. It is what it is. I cannot just flip a switch on or off.

I have had a few odd things happen with all this mess. Who he thought his friends were, one couple came to see me. They actually saw the real deal and kept apologizing to me. They actually believed the lies he told all of them. Then I would notice men pulling into the driveway, sitting for a minute, then leaving. What I have tried to figure out is who is it that pulls into my driveway every year either in January or February. I notice the car come up the street ever so slowly, put their directionals on to pull into my driveway. The first time they put their vehicle in park. A neighbor asked me how I knew. I told them the brake light was not bright as when the foot is on it. Whoever it was had put their vehicle in park. I went to the big window to stare out at them and I think once they saw me staring at them, they left. They drove off slowly then turned right. The second time, I happened to be out with Maya. I heard a sound and turned to look and saw headlights in my driveway. I opened the door on the porch and stood there with my arms crossed because of the cold, and stared at them. They did not stay long. Same vehicle, same slow driving, and turned right at the end of my street. I wonder how many more years they would show up. I have the ring camera so I have saved each time this person shows up. And I shall continue to do so. If I knew when they would show up, I would be outside out of view and as they parked, I would be knocking on their door.

Other than a few oddities, things are rather quiet here. No one shows up or calls to see if I am okay. He made sure to insult or fight with the neighbors so I did not expect to have them come around. I have just started to get back a bit of my old self. I know it will take time to get back to the new me with the new path I will make or I sure hope so because I miss the ways I used to take care of the old me. And in time I would love to find someone who would want to be in my life, to share the rest of our years together.