Alone

I live alone. I have always been an introvert. It has been easier for me. I genuinely like most people, but “people time” is exhausting. Growing up, I was the only child in the home. I was a latch key kid since third grade. Lots of alone time from the get go. You might say, I’m practiced at it.

My best friends weren’t other kids; they were books. I grew up abused by my mother. I found having friends made me very nervous. I was so afraid that they would realize what my life was like behind closed doors. I felt so self-conscious. I was not brought up to be amongst people so I chose to stay alone. All the while crying inside for someone, anyone to notice what was going on. Or to help me or give some advice on how to cope. I wanted someone to save me.

Through my teens, having all the students around me proved exhausting. I did not fit in with any of them. A couple of teachers had told me I was years ahead of my age. If they felt that way then why didn’t I feel like I knew what most kids around me did. The problem with leading a shut-in life is that others think you feel you are better than them, I was stuck up. It was not that I actually felt that way. I felt that I was not good enough for them. I felt years behind them. I was so ashamed of how I lived because of my mother. It did not help that where I was absent for many days at a time, the results of my mothers anger. The last year of school was especially hard for me. The only things that I can see now as an adult by not fitting in with them are that I have never done an illegal drug in my life, I’ve never smoked pot and I am not a drinker. So how did being abused yet not falling for the same pressures the kids did, make me feel blessed.

During the holiday season, well-meaning friends used to invite me to their homes, but I didn’t go. Now, no one invites me. They already know that I won’t be there. I find it easier to be home. Far from having to make idle chit chat.

Men…. I have never really dated. As a teen I had a couple times a boy wanting to take me out but when he put his arm around me and his hand touched my breast, the date was over. One can tell if it is an accident but this happened on purpose. I think men tend to see me as a bit aloof and too independent. I do not look for anyone. I’ve never known when a man liked me because of not looking. They have had to come right out and tell me that they would like to take me out. In the past I tend to draw the needy types. A woman wants a partner not a project. Because I am alone it usually means having to explain to Mr. X, that “there is no one else”. They have no other competition. I’m not seeing or attracted to another guy. Or, that his only competition is for my free time, which I spend in quiet, reflective solitude in my home. Besides, how do I tell a man that I have been used and broken before so that I do not really know how to open myself up to someone, to let them in. If I ever did, they would have to be one heck of a special man.

I crave intimacy. I crave the hand holding, an arm around the shoulder, cuddling, the kissing. I miss being kissed and being held so much. I miss the feeling that I was someone’s someone. I crave it all. I have always wanted that “fairy tale” of finding the right one. I have tried a few times but in the end, the independent, self-assured woman they fell in love with, they didn’t understand the needing my own space at times and took it as I was cheating on them. They reciprocated and that was when “we” were over. I am all done with insecure men.

I spend all my time alone unless I have appointments or need groceries. Yet in saying that, I am rarely alone. Between my animals, tv, books and of course my friends online, I can lose myself in that. Not all who are alone are lonely but I would really like to share what time I have left with someone. I have spent too much of my own time alone.