Why is it that people do not like to talk about sex after the age of 60 or older? People would prefer to pretend that older couples don’t have sex, don’t want sex, and don’t even think about sex, but, for those of us who are over 60, we know that’s not the truth. Older couples think about sex, want sex, and need sex. Whether you’re having sex or not, the idea of sex is a part of every relationship, no matter what age. For couples in their 60’s and beyond, the desire for sex doesn’t disappear. Men and women of all ages want and need, to experience a physical expression of intimacy, closeness, and love. The need for physical and emotional intimacy is central to what makes us human. It is literally hardwired into our DNA. Intimacy is just as important for older couples as it is for younger couples. But intimacy can take many forms.
While the desire for some form of physical connection is there, older couples have to accept and adjust to the reality that their bodies have changed with age. Senior sex is different from sex in your 20’s and 30’s. The way we experience sex has to reflect how our bodies work or don’t work, As a culture, we seem to be obsessed with how frequently people are having sex. Everybody seems to be fascinated by how often older couples have sex. My question is why aren’t older couples having sex more often. I think the barrier to older people having sex is not their physical ability but their inability to talk about sex.
Couples of all ages have trouble talking about sex. For older couples, it can be especially hard to have an open discussion with their partner about what they can do, can’t do, what they worry about, desire, and fear.
Talking about older couple sex is much easier said than done. We’ve all grown up with so many taboos around our bodies and sex that it can be very hard to communicate. It’s sad, but many older couples have stopped having sex, even though both partners want it. The barrier to sex isn’t physical, it’s that one or both partners are too embarrassed to admit to their partner that things have changed, and they can’t perform the way they used to. Instead of talking about it, they’ll just say “I don’t want to” or “I can’t”. A deeper and more intimate conversation is too scary.
When you’re younger, sex is all about intercourse. As we age, traditional intercourse may no longer be an option. Many post-menopausal women experience painful intercourse that can’t be solved, no matter how much lube they use. And many older men have trouble maintaining an erection (even with medication). It’s the same thing for orgasms. When you’re younger, good sex means everybody has an orgasm. That may not be the case for older men and women. Many older men and women have trouble reaching orgasm. So while sex for older couples is different, that doesn’t mean it can’t be good sex. I believe that sex after 60 is better than sex in your 20’s and that is because of the physical intimacy leading up to sexual intercourse. Older couples can have an active, meaningful, and satisfying sex life. What it requires is for you to let go of trying to control everything and go with your feelings.
Let’s talk about sexual intimacy which I think is most important. So, what does sex mean if intercourse can’t happen and orgasms aren’t a sure thing? This is something that every older couple must address openly, honestly, and lovingly. Touch and intimacy are at the core of sex for seniors. And that’s how it should be because touch and intimacy should be at the core of sex for everyone. Not just seniors. Some couples may move from defining sex as sexual intercourse to sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy is physical intimacy that may, or may not, include intercourse or orgasms. Holding, stroking, touching, kissing, and loving, are at the core of sexual closeness and sexual intimacy. These are the elements that the relationship can’t live without. This closeness actually generates a response that changes brain chemistry and makes us feel happier and more content.
Physical intimacy is vital to our individual health and the health of a relationship. It is a meaningful, intimate, and deeply satisfying experience whether either partner has an orgasm or not. We all love orgasms, but as human beings, we crave closeness. Adapting our sex life to be in sync with our older bodies requires courage. The courage to change and the courage to be open, honest, and vulnerable with our partner. We have to open our minds and get away from the idea that if it’s not traditional intercourse then it’s not really sex. This evolution of sexuality is accepting that it’s different and wonderful. It’s true that we may feel sadness or grief over the loss of what our sex lives used to be like. I find it is a more meaningful sex. The physical intimacy a couple has before actually having intercourse is something that everyone should feel. It will be different, but equally important, vibrant, and most satisfying.
LexiMe - My journey of faith 