My Safe Place

I had met someone back in 2006. I had to have my vehicle worked on and a garage was recommend by a co worker. I hated going somewhere and meeting new people. I was not much of a people person yet I went. When I walked in the person behind the counter asked me if he could help me. It was then when I looked up into his eyes and I cannot describe how I felt but I knew I felt safe with this person. Perhaps he was another old soul.

I went into work the next day and asked my co worker who this person was. He asked me to describe him and then he told me the mans name. He wasn’t on my mind all the time but I did think of him. It was like he was always tucked away in the back of my mind. I would see him out in the public at times and would watch him, trying to read him. He was always friendly with people. He was soft spoken and seemed very relaxed. He was tall and lean.

As it was, my vehicle always seemed to have issues. Should have bought something else but I would watch him without him noticing or I hoped he didn’t. He was still the same way. Patient and soft spoken. I also noticed he moved with confidence. I tried to figure out why I felt he was my safe place.

As time went on with the dollars killing me over that vehicle, we would talk. That is when I knew he was an old soul. He felt the way I did on a lot of things. One time he told me he was tired of being taken advantage of. He would do for a lady friend he had but it was never reciprocated. I knew all too well what that felt like.

Years went by and so did the talks. Talking got me to knowing some things about him yet just watching how he was with people and how he carried himself told me more than words could. I could tell he had been hurt in his past and he had a hard time trusting. I knew it had nothing to do with me, they were his issues to deal with.

I was having problems sleeping. I had more times when I found I was in a grumpy mood. I really had no reason for being so or so I thought. More time went by. Talking with him I noticed feelings I had hidden for so long kept trying to come to the surface. That is when I worked harder to push those feelings down into a corner of my heart, tucked away where they would not rise to any occasion.

I have friends that I used to work along side of years ago. We had reconnected after me moving back from England. I picked up where I had let go because of my move. They noticed I was not my jovial old self. They were going to a sweat lodge and wanted to know if I would want to join them. I jumped at the chance hoping it would compartmentalize the feelings I had. I did not think I could make it through the sweat. I was older and the heat started to get to me but I made myself finish it. Well, it bit me in my backside. It intensified my feelings. On the ride home the tears were streaming down my face. I did not know what to do then. One of our crew, someone who I had had a relationship with many years ago and who still loved me figured out what was bothering me. He tried talking to me. I did trust him but knew what I would say would hurt him but I spoke of what was in my heart. The others had picked up on it also.

After many nights of getting very little sleep I spoke to this friend telling him what had happened at the sweat. Long story short, other things had happened in my life so I backed away. That was when Bobby was in contact with me. We talked and I went down to his camp with the others there. All he could do was stare at me. I went home and never heard back from him until he asked me out for a meal. That was when I realized that he was not someone I would want to hang out with much. I didn’t want someone who would use words but not back them up. Besides, Bobby was all about Bobby so I would feel alone whether with or without him. I chose to be without him.

So here I am, alone. I still think about my safe place. I don’t want a relationship with this man but do I want a friendship. Right now and the road I am on, I will settle for a deep friendship. He did come to my home to fetch some things a few years ago but he did the talking. I was still numb inside from circumstances and really felt nothing at that point. I can say that I really miss having a safe place but perhaps it is time to be my own safe place.